A Sweet Song Keeps Georgia On My Mind

I moved across the country a few months ago, and I have started to slowly collect a few new stories as I build new friendships with people out here. A problem with that is having to think of new pseudonyms for them, and I don’t think I can continue to use names of recent draft picks from the Edmonton Oilers, as I have done in the past. Maybe I’ll switch to Doctor Who characters…

So I’m out for my friend, Donna’s, birthday. She brings her girlfriend Amy and their friend Rory (afterthought: yeah, I think this’ll do). Since it’s Donna’s birthday, she drinks free until midnight at this bar. We all have a few drinks, and nothing seems crazy, but this night happens to coincide with a karaoke contest. The contestants are not the best singers, and when it’s over, we’re all thankful for it. After the contest, the bar still has normal karaoke for the rest of the night. There are some good performers and some very good songs being sung.

Then, some girl goes up and sings “Georgia On My Mind” by Ray Charles. First of all, this is a great song. Second of all, she is good. Third of all…actually, there is no third of all, I am instantly in love with whoever this enchanting creature is. If I was a sailor in olden times, I’m pretty sure I would have crashed the ship, as a siren’s song can ensnare me with ease. While she is singing this song, I am enthralled, as displayed by my googly-eyes, but I digress.

Donna, Amy, and Rory notice this, and we start to devise how I am going to approach and talk to this angel. Donna and Amy give me normal advice on talking to women, which is always a nice idea to default to; for this, I start and carry on a normal conversation about Ray Charles and songs I like from him. Unfortunately, at this point, I’m way too intimidated to try to strike a normal conversation. Rory offers to pull a similar, “Haaaaave you met Ted?” move; which I feel is something I might be able to do. Although, this also involves me having to pretend that I am a coherent human being, which I am definitely not while around this woman right now.

Then I come with an idea, a brilliant idea. So the plan is that I’m blind. I believe it came about when we were trying to find common ground to talk about Ray Charles.

Step 1: Rory takes me by the arm to go talk to this girl and and introduce me. We’ll talk about Ray Charles and how I’m blind as well.

Step 2:

Step 3: Her love magically restores my sight.

I start to think I can do this and I’m getting pumped up about talking to her now. Rory is fully on board, while we’re laughing and securing our places in hell. Donna and Amy keep telling us how bad of an idea this is, but now we’re just having more fun making this plan.

I loosen up and it looks like the girl is getting ready to leave soon. Though, now that she is no longer in the context of “Ray Charles Goddess,” I start to look at her and realize she isn’t as cute without my rose-colored glasses. The instant crush dissipates and we all just focus on hanging out.

I realize that I don’t end up talking to anyone in this situation, so technically it isn’t a story about wingmanning. The moral of the story is making sure you have people to strategize with. Even if the ideas are horrible, sometimes it’s just fun to compose these things.


Rule #10: Cardio

“Did we just run away from women?”

“Yeah, that just happened.”

“Okay, just making sure…”

I try to work out and stay in good shape…round is a shape, right? Jokes aside, it’s very important to make sure you get out and run every once in a while for your health as well those times when you have to make a quick exit. When a woman mentions another guy, run away…literally, if you have to.

Seemed Like a Long Shot

For some time now, some people said I look like Justin Long or have similar mannerisms/personality from the movies and shows he’s been in. A few years back, there was this 2-week period where three different people in three different situations compared me to him. The first was at work when a coworker stopped, turned to me, and said: “You look like Justin Long.” I was very confused by this, as it was a complete non sequitur from what we were talking about. She was all giggly with her, “Haha, I work with Justin Long.” Then about a week later, one of my friends, out of the blue, said, “Hey Patrick, you know who I could see playing you in a movie? Justin Long.” Again, confused, I asked why. She compared mannerisms and facial expressions. Then, about a week later on my birthday, I was out with a different set of friends and coworkers, and an friend of one of my coworkers said, “Hey you look like that guy from that movie with the restaurant and stuff.” After some deductive reasoning, we found out he was referring to “Waiting” starring, you guessed it: Justin Long.

Enough of the prologue, let’s get into the story…well what I remember of it, since I blacked out:

On a twist of the “How I Met Your Mother – haaaaaave you met, Ted?” technique used on the show, my buddy taps a girl on the shoulder and asks, “Hey, doesn’t he look like Justin Long?” I’m skeptical as to whether this would yield anything, because well, she’d have to know who Justin Long is. Apparently she does, and says, “Yeah, he kind of does…” and this sparks a conversation between her and I, while my buddy steps off to the side, completing his duties as wingman. Now this is where it starts to get hazy because I have been drinking heavily the whole night. I know that I keep forgetting her name, but I remember a trick someone used on me back in college:

It was my junior year of college and I was at this party and this girl was talking with me but was drunk so she couldn’t remember my name. She kept asking every 10 minutes and then she asked me for my phone number so she could put it in her phone and remember me that way. I had a girlfriend at the time, so I was a little hesitant to give my phone number to a drunk girl. I gave her my real name, but gave her a fake number, you know, just in case.

Armed with this story in the back of my brain, I ask her for her number, because to that drunk college girl’s credit, putting someone’s name in your phone does help you remember it. Shortly after this happened, I black out. But I’m pretty sure at one point I sent her a drunk text. It’s me, so it was something oddly charming, or Disney-related. And you guessed it, she didn’t respond. I’m an idiot. This is why I’m single.


Rule #1: Bros Before Hos

For some reason, I have put off writing about this rule for over 2 years. It shouldn’t be too much of a surprise since I abandoned this blog a while back when all of my favorite bloggers stopped updating.

It’s a simple, straight-forward rule. Everyone has heard it. However, we all need a reminder every once and a while. Since moving across the country a few months ago, I haven’t had any bros to hang out with. My game has…well, it hasn’t slipped. When I want to turn on the charm, it’s there, it’s just less frequent.

The thing is to treasure your brolationships. They matter. And when you don’t have a solid group of friends to go out with, drink, and talk to women, you start to miss the connection, the trial-by-fire that you had with those friends.

So you can do two things to remedy that, which btw, I am trying to do both: do your best to convince your friends to move to your new city, or make new friends and see who works with your personality.

Awkward Moment in the Restroom

This story happened years ago, when Ryan and I first started hanging out. We were at our usual bar, and it was a crowded Friday night. It’s crowded as usual, but practically nothing is happening for either of us. The plan is to use the restroom, get one more drink and then strategize the rest of the night from there.

The process is completely routine, at least from my vantage. I wait for Ryan outside of the restroom; he comes out and tells me with a serious visage, “We have to go.” Perplexed, I try to get him to tell me why, but he just repeats that we must go, now.

Outside, and on the way to the next bar, he finally tells me what happened. He walked into handicap stall, since that was the only vacancy, and some guy follows him in. He thought nothing of it, this random probably wanted to use the stall after him. The random then closes the stall door. The random then locks the door. Ryan, confused and perturbed, unlocks the door. The random locks it again. Ryan then felt the need to get the hell out of there.

I had something to laugh at for a few hours.


Rule #9: Lean Towards Yes

After a few drinks and a conversation with a friend of how we are horrible with women, I told a recent tale of moderate success. This was because I decided to go with the flow and say yes to anything unless I had a good reason to say no. This was similar to how in college I would get really drunk, and things would just happen.

The tl;dr of this rule is that you shouldn’t run into bad situations, but don’t walk away from potentially great ones either.

Be open to possibilities, and the possibilities will open up to you.

Rule #8: Stop Thinking, Start Doing

When I approach a woman at a bar, I usually like to have a game plan (along with an escape plan, because it’ll probably end badly. This goes through my head when failing miserably…)

However, sometimes it’s good to just go up and start talking; let your natural charm, wit, and silliness win them over. Let the conversation flow naturally. You’re an intelligent, social being, so just talk about anything. Your brain is your enemy, kill it with alcohol.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt to have a wingman helping you out. A story will be written soon, with a new cavalcade of characters.

Afterthought: I didn’t know this before, but apparently some people just don’t know how to make conversation. As human beings, those people should have the social skills to respond with more than one-word answers. We are people; we are social beings; how hard is it to be a person?

Who Needs a Wingman?

This was one of my first times out since a very rough New Year’s. Don’t expect a blog post about that night, simply because I don’t remember it. And apparently, I was lost about half of the night. While I was told I was really hitting it off with a girl at one point, I awoke the next morning (in my suit, bow-tie still tied, sleeping on a hanger, my wallet missing, and cursed with a splitting headache) with no new phone numbers in my phone.

This night is different; this night Ryan and I are going out with Jordan, his wife, and two of her friends. One of her friends has a boyfriend and the other has a fiancé. By the end of the night, Ryan and I have the drunken chant “engaged, boyfriend, married!”

We’re idiots.

It’s technically a “Girls’ Night” and a “Guys’ Night” where we take the same car into Palo Alto, separate, then meet up later on. This is also when I was still contemplating whether or not to take a break from dating.

Ryan, Jordan, and I get to the first bar (sans Engaged, Boyfriend, Married) where Jordan has a game plan to get Ryan as drunk as possible. He gets Ryan to chug my beer while I’m in the bathroom. Then, as Ryan is in the bathroom, Jordan goes over and talks to two women across the bar. I join him shortly to help out. Turns out that they’re German, and one of them in under 21. Ryan comes back, so Jordan and I switch conversation to highlight Ryan. However, they get boring, so we move on to a new bar.

This is the bar where Engaged, Boyfriend, Married are having their girls’ night, so we say a quick “Hello” and go off to the back patio. About 5 beers in (2 Jordan made him chug), Ryan is very drunk. With all inhibitions gone, he just starts going up to women to talk to them. For some reason, the two he went up to are also German (I really don’t know if there is a big transplant of Germans in the Palo Alto area or if it’s just a weird coincidence). After some (relatively odd and) reasonably aggressive flirting, he gets the two girls to go to the dance floor with him. Jordan and I follow, just enjoying Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

Those two get bored and disappear somewhere, so we move on. Ryan starts talking to some random girl, I don’t know how, and I go in to wingman by talking to her cute friend. We exchange pleasantries, but otherwise, I don’t get much from this girl. Ryan, however, gets a phone number. The night took a turn for the weird, but it doesn’t fit the theme of this blog, so I’ll omit it.

Shortly after, he went on an okay date with her. On the plus side, she was a Sharks fan; on the negative side, she didn’t know who Luke Skywalker was. Deal-breaker? Apparently, for nerds like us, it almost was. I still tried to convince him to see her, because well…it’s someone to date, so what’s the worst that could happen? But we didn’t see them again until about a month and half later.


Rule #7: Every Girl Crazy ’bout A Sharp Dressed Man

Make sure you put your pants on, because when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me. Now this is not a style blog, so I’m not going to go into fashion, even though I easily could. This is just a post to remind you all to be aware of what you wear.

Know the type of situation you’ll be in. For most bars, especially Northern California, t-shirt and jeans are not only the norm, they’re expected. The more dressed up you get, the more you stand out, and that’s not always a good thing. The key to being a well-dressed-man is dressing for the occasion. If you’re going to an upscale club, by all means, wear your three-piece-suit you recently had tailored because you can pull it off (provided that it’s GCWOK-approved).

You also have to remember that if you’re going to be drinking heavily, you may not want to bring a jacket if you’re likely to forget it somewhere. Although if it’s cold out, don’t go out with too few layers or you could end up drinking to feel warm, which is a very bad idea.


Conformity - "It's the one who is different that gets left out in the cold"

“It’s the one who is different that gets left out in the cold”

The night started a little late because I just finished up a hockey game, and I had to clean up and book it over to Ryan’s as fast as I could. I get there and Ryan’s buddies, Shawn and Jordan were already there and ready to roll. So we get to Campbell and Katie Bloom’s is not only packed, the crowd in line looks…hmm, how can I put this delicately…ghetto as fuck.

At this point in life, Ryan is hung up on some girl, Jordan is married, I’ve sworn off dating, and Shawn is not sure if he wants to be meet new people — sounds like the Island of Misfit Toys, doesn’t it? But we choose to go to Campbell because the girl Ryan got a phone number from was at another bar in the area, and you know…what’s the worst that could happen?

So we head over to Sonoma Chicken Coop because they have an awesome microbrew and we won’t run into that girl and her friends, at least not before getting a few drinks in us. After a few pints, it’s time see what the hubbub is all about, and meet this girl at the bar with her friends. We get there, and it…is…packed. Ryan tells her what part of the bar we’re residing, and eventually, she tracks us down. I must admit, not bad. Last time I saw I had a few drinks in me, so I didn’t have the most accurate memory of her. Oh, and one of her friends, one I previously hit on, was there too…hooray.

They decide they want to go to the douchiest bar in Campbell because their friend (it’s the friend’s birthday) wants to go there…double-hooray. The place is just as douchy as I remember. And of course they have to pat us down, because people have been stabbed there before –did I mention how happy I was to be there? At this point, I decide to water out because the last time I was with some of these guys after a workout, I got drunk really fast and blacked out. Combine that with me swearing off dating, and I’m not much use to anyone here.

However, one of the cool things is that Shawn, is uncharacteristically social. He starts talking to and dancing with the girl who turned me down about a month before, go Shawny! Lord knows that I don’t want to talk to her again; I faced personal humiliation with her once, I don’t want to do that again.

While this is happening, Ryan is in the middle of a dance floor make-out sesh with his girl, and Jordan is (reluctantly) dancing with some random chick. I say “reluctantly” because he’s married and definitely doesn’t want to do anything he may regret. I’m just off to the side, taking this all in, because no one loves me.

The club calls last call and the place starts to thin out. The random Jordan was dancing with asks him for his number, but he politely turns her down and point to his ring, which was a much better outcome than the last time.

Outside of the club, Shawn seems very outgoing and this girl seems to be a little hesitant. He asks her for her number, but I think somehow she doesn’t directly give it to him, but says to get it from her friend. That ended up not panning out so well because, in all actuality, she’s not Shawn’s type. Also things are still jiving with Ryan and his girl.

After a failed attempt to get food at a local taqueria and a good night’s sleep, Ryan, Shawn, and I break everything down over Facebook chat. Ryan and Shawn were both drunk so they don’t know whether to pursue these women or not. I was sober and tried to convince them to because, well, what’s the worst that could happen? Worst-case scenario, you go out with them a few times, things don’t work out, you never talk to them again — the usual for us.